Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bm_sarah's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 24th, 2006
9:52 pm	It's been almost 6 months since I've written in this thing. I wonder if anyone will even read this. Or care for that matter. So I have this great new guy in my life. He's everything I could ever ask for and more. He's the type of guy that you only dream to marry. But I feel like I don't deserve him. I feel like I will only hurt and disappoint him, or worse, he'll be just another person to disappoint me. I feel like I should end it before giving it a real chance because the fear of losing something so great and getting hurt so bad is stronger than the desire to give it a shot regardless of the outcome. I don't know what to do and I don't know if I'm going to be like this with every guy I meet because I'm just a fucking headcase or what my deal is....All I know is I wouldn't have gotten through my surgery or surviving this mono without him. Well let's be realistic, I'm sure I would have, but he's made things a lot easier. Maybe I'm just depressed because of my current health condition, which is probably a big part of it. I just wish I could let go and bring these walls down and give him 100% of myself because he deserves it, but I just don't know how. I don't know if I can. If I'll ever be able to. All I can think is how I don't want to fuck this up, but when you think on something like that, we all know what begins to happen. I'm beginning to think maybe I am some schizophrenic paranoid freak who really is meant to be alone... Current Mood: worried (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
2:25 pm	I hung out with Behemoth lastnight. That's right, BEFUCKINGHEMOTH. Nicest fucking dudes you could ever imagine. Cutest Polish accents, oh my god I wanted to take them all home with me. What a fucking killer show. It was so cool helping them load up their band gear and talking to them till 3am and making fun of the Canadian cold and just everything. I'm still in shock I think. And I'm super depressed that it's all over :( And 2 guys asked for my number, both of which I had no interest in, but didn't want to be rude, so I was like "I'm really hard to get a hold of....why don't you give me yours?" for lack of anything better to say. There was a Scott look-alike there lastnight....that hurt a bit. Then I got into my stupid pissy mood yet again of all the guys that I WOULD go out with and WOULD give my number to don't even see me, and then guys that are like drunks or on crack always want to go out with me. Same Ol' Same Ol'. All I know is I saw Behemoth and hung out with them lastnight, and I will never forget it. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 14th, 2005
12:05 am	Trent is engaged. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. Congratulations Trent. Though you are only 20.....congrats nonetheless. I had to go shopping for my cousin's wedding in November and finally found some clothes. A really nice black and red outfit. All these fucking weddings.....Am I the only single person left on this planet? I'm the only one aside from my bro on my dad's side that isn't married.....and my bro might as well be married the way his girlfriend owns his ass.... *think positive Sarah, think happy thoughts* Fuckin couples :( (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
10:17 pm	I got so mad at my dad tonight I left the house and drove around for half an hour. I took the back dirt roads, and pretty much got lost....without a cell phone....but I really didn't give a fuck if I came home or not. He is so blind to everything that goes on in mine and mom's life I want to just slap him in the face. He's like a big dumb kid....I feel guilty being mad at him, but he MORE than deserves it. It's sad that I had to fucking snap like that to get any sort of reaction out of him..... My brother has turned into a complete dick because of his girlfriend. And he's in some band now, and he thinks he's King Shit and says they're gonna be the best thing Regina has ever seen and it's this power-group of blah blah blah. He ALREADY has an ego. And he hasn't even written any songs yet......Fuck. Off. I don't know what you did with my real brother, but bring him back. He has shut out everyone in his life except for his stupid girlfriend. Bad idea. You'd think the hell I went through for 3 1/2 years and then my break-up and another year of learning how the fuck to socialize with other people again would have taught him something....he watched it all happen...you'd think he'd learn, but no. You know, it's amazing I don't have trust issues with men. Like, serious ones. I know I have abandonment issues, especially right now......but I trust men more than women for some reason. Well, I really don't trust people in general, but if I had to choose I get along with men much better.....pretty strange. Thanksgiving this year is actually looking up. Thank god we don't have to go to my aunt's...we're having it here with my mom's side of the family and Elka and her family are coming out too. It's gonna be a blast I think. I hope. Elka and I plan on writing another masterpiece to coincide with our last song, "Down by the Slaughter House Road". So, that should be interesting, hopefully. I had a fitness test a couple days ago and it damn near killed me. I have to go back to my personal trainer tomorrow for a new program. I can't wait to start working out regularly again....but I know it's gonna suck cuz of my disaligned pelvis.....But knowing me I'll go hard anyways, and then my pelvis won't heal itself cuz I'm stupid....meh. I've been trying so hard to be positive lately, so fucking hard, but today is just so grim. Maybe it's the weather. But I usually like fall. But I guess the cold sucks. Bah, who knows. I gotta go clean my house. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Jeff Hardy "September Day" (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
8:00 pm	I quit my job today. Fuck you Winners, you are all going to die without me. Dana, I hope you choke on your own shit and die. Seriously. Burn in hell. I was doing so good with the whole "I don't fucking know anything" thing, and not judging people and things were great, until I saw Scott yesterday. Lastnight was probably one of the hardest nights of my entire life. Why do I fucking care so much? I just don't know. All I know is that I can't stay mad at the man, and that just pisses me off even more, and it's stupid. Since I'm no longer working, I am stoked to be able to sleep tomorrow. All day. I am doing nothing. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
1:42 am	Your Weekly Horoscope September 25 - October 01, 2005 Travel, communicating, and other mental as well as social connections with people are emphasized for you now. Let any breakdowns or weaknesses in these links be a signal of the need to rethink your approach and establish new directions; otherwise, you may find yourself stranded or cut off. Goals and security needs are a focus in your life at this time, and there are challenges aplenty where such things are concerned. Things and people you have counted on may suddenly be not so reliable or supportive, requiring you to formulate and initiate new plans. That is so true it is just fucking scary. I think I'm going to see Scott tomorrow. Fuck....this should be interesting...... (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
3:16 pm	The nice girls will always finish last. I saw Danny and Scott lastnight. You'd think that would be a good thing? No. I left that place fucking miserable. Danny put on a good show, he fuckin blew the speakers at Brews and Cues and then the fuckin power went out 3 times because it was so hyped and shit, it was sooo good....like the lights around the stage, it was great. And he said he was gonna give me and Elka free shirts at his next show because he said we deserve it for driving in just to see him. So that was cool, until I see like 5 millions sluts flock towards him. Yeah. Fuck. I always get overlooked.... Then, we ran into Scott, and he was soooo drunk, but he said hi and gave me a hug and stuff. And then, I see him with this stupid slut. God she was acting so obnoxious and was just all over him and it made me want to kill myself. She was just hanging off of him....I was like, is that what I fucking need to do to get attention? Be a golddigging whore? Then, as Elka and I were leaving, Elka had to throw something in the garbage, and so we go into the girls' washroom, and the fucking Boulevard of Broken Dreams picture of James Dean is on the floor. We freaked and we're like 'GOD YOU IDIOTS DON'T TREAT JAMES DEAN THAT WAY" and somehow managed to hang it back up. Fuckin drunk idiots. Anyways, I was waiting for her at the beginning and I saw Scott up by the bar and I just stopped dead in my tracks and decided to wait for Elka cuz I didn't want to walk past him cuz I was so crushed, so I just stood beside the jukebox and pretended to be looking at songs. I could feel him fucking staring at me. And I know I looked pathetic and sad, and I know he HAS to know it was because of him. Then yeah, that's when Elka told me about the pic and we hung it up, and then as we were coming out of the washroom he was sitting with that bimbo and she had her arm around him and she was talking into his ear, and he just had his hands on his knees like, bent forward looking completely uninterested, and then I could feel him looking at me as I was walking by and I can't help but look when I feel like someone is staring, so I look at him and oh my god the look in his eyes was like nothing I'd ever seen before. It was like.....he was trying to tell me he didn't want to be with this girl, it was like he was caught in the act and felt guilty and wanted me to forgive him. I don't know, maybe I read too much into it, but we held this gaze for a good 3 seconds, and neither of us did the friendly polite smile, it was just him looking at me and me looking at him with this hurt in my eyes. It was so weird, because usually I'd just give a polite smile or something and walk on, but I just looked away from him and looked at my feet and walked real fast out there. When he looked at me I stopped dead in my tracks, and then I just put my head down all pathetic and went on my way. He knows. He HAS to know. And I know I must have been crushed because I don't ever want to make anyone feel bad, I always just smile and ya know, play it off like no biggie. But with him, I couldn't even fake it. Elka said the look in my eyes after seeing him with that girl just made her want to go kick them both in the teeth. It sucked. Fuck did it suck. But it was like he realized he fucked up, and he wanted me to let it go. Maybe I'm reading way too much into it, but I just can't describe to you the look on his face. And it's no coincidence that he just "happened" to rest his eyes on me like staring off into space. Fuck no, he was looking right at me, and he wanted me to look at him. Fuck. I don't care if I have to be alone forever because of the person I am. I am not going to be a whore. I'm not going to be a drunk. I'm not going to be a gold-digger. I'm not going to use men for my own advance. And if that means that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, then so fucking be it. And now the lyrics to a song that is keeping me sane right now: Diluted I'm cold, I'm ugly I'm always confused by everything I can stare into a thousand eyes But every smile hides a bold-faced lie It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes My heros are dead, they died in my head Thin out the herd, squeeze out the pain Something inside me has opened up again Thoughts of me exemplified All the little flaws I have denied Forget today, forget whatever happened Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this? I save all the bullets from ignorant minds Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens I decrease, while my symptoms increase God what the fuck is wrong You act like you knew it all along Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing All I ever wanted out of you was something you could never be Now take a real good look at What you've fucking done to me Gimme any reason why I'd need you, boy Gimme any reason not to fuck you up Gimme any reason why I'd need you, bitch Gimme any reason not to fuck you up I see you in me I keep my scars from prying eyes Incapable of ever knowing why Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer Why am I so fascinated by bigger pictures, better things But I don't care what you think You'll never understand me Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Slipknot "Diluted" (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
11:33 pm	People suck. Elka and I are going lesbian and eloping to Vegas and getting married. And Heather is getting in on it too. Thing they'll do a 3 way lesbian marriage in Vegas? If Vegas doesn't do it, no one will. I'm so broke because of the fucking insane price of gas right now, I just want to quit my job. 12 hours of work for minimum wage and then over $100 a week going to gas.......it's not fucking worth it. I hate living in this wretched town. And I fucking got hired between pay periods or something, so I'll have worked for 3 and a half weeks before I get paid. I get my first paycheck Sept. 30 and then I only get paid for 2 weeks of work. UHHHH FUCK OFF I NEED ALL THAT MONEY FOR GAS! Stupid shit.... At least I have the weekend off. I've decided I don't care if Scott is a manwhore...I've somehow managed to get over it....I think at this point it's like I don't fucking care, I just don't want to be alone anymore....so hopefully I'll be seeing him and Danny tomorrow and Saturday and something amazing will happen and then I'll run off and marry one of them. HA. I'm going to go kill a moth that is fluttering around and driving me insane. Ranata how the hell have you been? My bro has bundles for like, all of North America or something in the new house he's in now, and I was like Pft, I don't know anyone in the States....and then I was like :O YES I DO! Email me your number sometime. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Sexy Danny "Who Really Cares" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 18th, 2005
1:18 pm	What a busy fucking week. I have no time to do anything anymore. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hope all my managers choke on their own vomit and die. Especially Sandra. You fat condescending piece of shit, do NOT take your frustrations out on me just because you're depressed with your life and your job. Winners has had to hire 8 people in 2 weeks because people keep quitting, and I said to Sandra straight up maybe it's because you treat your employees like crap. She just looked at me and got all pissed off, and she can't say shit because THEY NEED ME oh so bad. Fuck, I hate commuting, it takes 12 hours out of my day by the time I get up, get to Regina, work, and then get home. My disaligned pelvis is fucking kill me. God things are run so bad there, my FIRST DAY they put me on as the ONLY cashier. UMMMMMMMM. And then they get pissed off when I don't know how to do something, when it's my FIRST DAY and nobody TAUGHT ME. HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING CASHIER THEN! That place is busy enough you could always have 2. I barely had a chance to breathe all week. Then the debit machines went down and I had to turn customers away and GOD I HATE PEOPLE! I HATED PEOPLE ENOUGH BEFORE THIS! So much happened this week my god. I can't work out for 3 hours a day like I need to because of my tension headaches and fucked up stomach shit. 70% of my paycheck goes towards the gas to drive to Regina. It's like, I'm killing myself to drive to work, work all those hours, and just get bitched at all day, and all just to make MAYBE $150 a paycheck. Again, what the fuck am I doing?? STUPID EVERYTHING. Stillseed had a show lastnight, got some anger out, but Heather was so upset over Justin......God I wish I could just take all her pain away. I wouldn't notice anymore pain. I've become numb. And it's not like Justin beat her or anything, like he's not a bad guy, but when I see Heather crying and being so upset she's almost puking, and it's all because of him, I can't HELP but have some animosity towards him. There was one thing that happened this week that kept me sane. It's a long story, so brace yourself. These 2 guys came through my till, and they were dressed all business like, and I was like EW corporate America money-making whores, gaaaaaaaaag me. Anyways, they start hitting on me and complimenting me on my eyes, and I so wasn't into it I just didn't know what to say. I was like oh god you're the OPPOSITE of my type, so I kinda shied (shyed?) away and just said thanks. Then Sandra starts just BITCHING at me saying I need to learn how to take a compliment. OK BITCH, JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT CONCEITED??? YOU STUPID WADDLING PENGUIN, GO KILL YOURSELF! Ahem, then, I got even MORE pissed off, cuz this other guy came through, and man, he was fuckin sexy. My type, completely. We started just randomly talking about stuff, like the return policy on underwear and creepy stalker people and how he was hoping he had money on his debit, and he's like "If not I'm gonna like, die of embarassment". And I was like "You'll just run out of here a mess, all crying and shit" And then he's like "Yeah, I was thinking more along the lines of shooting myself" and I was like YES, DARK HUMOR! HAHAHA! FINALLY, A NORMAL PERSON! And then I looked at his hands, and he had his thumb nails painted black, and I was like SWEET MOTHER YOU JUST GOT 50 TIMES HOTTER! So right then I was like I love you buddy, you just made my day, and then Sandra is JUST STARING at me from a distance. Like there weren't any other customers in line, and I was talking to him as I was bagging his stuff and getting the receipt, I wasn't doing anything wrong.....so then she comes over and she's like "You should really do all your associating on your own time". OMG JUST PUT YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR MISERY AND GO HANG YOURSELF! And then this, THIS made my week. The guy looks at Sandra and he's like "I'm sorry, did I get her in trouble? Don't blame her, it's not HER fault she's so beautiful. It works out better for you in the end anyways, because I know I'll be shopping here a LOT more now that she's working here". I would have married that man right then and there. Sandra was all baffled and couldn't argue with a customer, so she just had to take it. I was like BOO YA BITCH! Then the guy looks at me and he's like "She's one of those bitches on a power trip that makes you feel like shit doesn't she?" and I looked at him and was like "yeah....kinda. I mean it's my first job ever, second day, they didn't teach me anything, like, cut me some slack" And he's like "Well you're doing a great job and you look beautiful doing it too, so don't even worry about that bitch." What an amazing man....... But man, see, this is what pissed me off. 2 "business men" come in and hit on me, and I'm told "Learn how to take a compliment". A nice, NORMAL LOOKING GREAT MAN talks to me nicely and made me smile for the first time all week, and it's "Associate on your own time". Just because he has black nails and looks grungy does NOT make him a thug or a bad person Sandra you judgemental bitch. See, I have such strong values and morals, I really don't think I'll be able to work for other people ever. I'm done this job as soon as I get enough money for a new skateboard, some cds, and some new shoes. I'm going to have to be self-employed....people just piss me off way too much. Especially stupid fuckers like Sandra and Dana.... That's all I have time to write, I have to go do laundry, work out, and maybe fit eating in at some point.... Current Mood: stressed Current Music: "Seein Red" Unwritten Law (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
9:08 pm	Well I got the job at Winners. I had the interview on Wednesday, then got hired Friday, then had orientation on Saturday, and I start tomorrow. I'm pretty freaked, it's my first job ever. But it's funny, because I'm not "full time", yet I work 39 hours this week.....UHHH.....ONE HOUR from being full time. Fuck I couldn't stop laughing. I get trained as a cashier tomorrow.....so....nervous. And it sucks just cuz I'm commuting over an hour every day, and there's been 4 people to hit deers and get their cars fucked up in my town over the last week, cuz there's so many deer by the highway I have to take......ack. Me, Elka, Heather, Russ, Keely, Kelsey, and 2 other guys that I don't know all went to the Exorcism of Emily Rose lastnight. Don't see it. It was so stupid, and it wasn't even scary. Maybe I guess I just have a real hard time believing in demons. I don't know, I can't help but think the Catholic church who claimed it happened just made it up to strike the fear of God into people ya know? There's so much shit like that that happens it just makes me wonder....I guess for now I'm still agnostic. For those of you that HATE emo, go to this: http://emosong.ytmnd.com/ It made my weekend. My week. Oh god, it is so funny. Jason, you probably don't read this, but it's for you man. Hahahaha. I'm sending the link to your email and shit because you HAVE TO HEAR IT. "Stabby rip stab stab" Oh god hahaha. Current Mood: nervous Current Music: The Emo Song (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
10:35 pm	I somehow managed to disalign? Unalign? Whatever, my pelvis is fucked up. I had to go see a massage therapist today, and it damn near killed me. It wasn't a "relaxation" massage. It was some other R word massage. Put it this way....to get to a certain muscle in my back, she had to go through my stomach. Yeah. Fucking. Ow. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
5:09 pm	Well, a lot has happened in the past couple of days. I found out Scott is a big manwhore. Great. Just, FUCKING, great. I thought HE was the one who was different. FUUUUUCCCCKKKK. I cried so hard when I found out Saturday night at 2am. Of course. I haven't slept since Friday either, and this situation hasn't helped any. Seriously, I should have fucking known. The pain I felt was the same kind of pain when Denny broke up with me after 3 and a half years. I know that sounds fucking insane, but shit did it hurt. When for a YEAR, you've gone through guys, blah blah, and you've always been like "Well....at least there's Scott..." And it always lights up your face again, and then you find out that ONE person isn't who you thought....Yeah someone might as well have ripped out my heart and shat on it. So, I was pissed off because of that, pissed because I couldn't tell Elka because she was in Yorkton with her family, and then Heather's ex Justin fuckin dumps her, and then the NEXT NIGHT is hitting on me and telling me to come get drunk with him. I'M NOT INTO THAT DUDE! Fuck, I knew Justin before Heather, and thought I'd hate Heather, and she's now one of the best friends I have ever had. So Justin: a) You're not my type. b) I would never be someone's fucking "rebound". c) I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HEATHER OR ANY OF MY FRIENDS! EVER! You dumb fuck. So, I was pissed off. Elka gets home Sunday night, calls me at 10 telling me she hit and killed a deer 10 minutes away from being home. $8000 worth of damage to her van. So what did we do? We got drunk. By ourselves. In my basement. And then we wrote a Greeeeemmm song that should make us millions. And for some odd reason, I dressed up in my hooker boots and my black mini-skirt and my new red corset, and proceeded to fall down my stairs and flashed Elka a few times. She was no help, she just rolled on the ground laughing at me. It was so stupid, but we needed it. We then went outside and bitched about why the hell people hate us and why EVERYONE is fucked up one way or another, and ran through my field screaming. Man, it felt sooooo good. On the bright side, Winners called me today and I have an interview tomorrow at 3:30. I am so damn scared, I hope I get this job. I need it. Even if for now I know I'll only be breaking even what with gas money right now and having to commute over an hour each day, it'd be good to have for next year when Elka's done school and we can move out and get a place together. Everybody wish me luck. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: My bud Danny "She Had Me at Good-bye" (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
12:36 am	Surprise, sur-fucking-prise. Scott wasn't there lastnight. WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MAN DO??!! WHERE DOES HE GO?! I'm so over this shit, and I'm almost over him. Actually, I'm bullshitting with that last statement because I know the next time I see him I'm gonna go gaga over him and.....fuck! The show lastnight was at least good. It didn't start until 11:30. OK people, some of us have to DRIVE 45 MINUTES HOME. We left at 2 and it wasn't even close to being done yet....but oh well. I met Danny. And let me tell you, he is giving Scott a run for his money right now. I won't go into details, but he said he was gonna hook me up with some free shirts of his group for me and yeah. So his next show he told me to come up to him and remind him cuz he should have the shirts in by then. And yeah, I told him we drove in from out of town 45 mins just to see him so he better feel damn special with gas prices right now. He was all amazed and I think that's why he offered the free shirts...He hugged me goodbye and kept talking to me not letting me leave and......now I'm depressed again. And then Elka had to point out how we've gone to EVERY SINGLE Stillseed show for over a year, and I swear they don't even fucking know our names. They just look at us and it's like "Joey's sister" and "Joey's sister's friend". They've like, never called me by my name, never offered us anything free, never got into a show free, in fact during the skateboard auction when we slipped across to the stage part to get Stillseed cd's we were harassed by my brother saying 'YOU HAVE TO PAY TO BE IN HERE!" Can't I even get a fucking cd? Anyways, we meet Danny lastnight, first time, and he asks us our names and where we're from and offers to give us free long sleeved shirts that have gotta be worth at least $25 or more. EAT SHIT STILLSEED AND ALL YOU OTHER FUCKS WHO CLAIM TO BE OUR FRIENDS BUT DON'T EVEN KNOW OUR FUCKING NAMES OR CARE ABOUT OUR EXISTANCE! I think I'm bi-polar. Tyler and Ryan were there lastnight. Surprisingly, Ryan is only 24. He's younger than Tyler. That's weird, because I thought Ryan was at LEAST 30. But I guess beard-like facial hair makes you look older....Oh, and Tyler fuckin offered us ecstacy (sp?). Yeah, I knew there was something off about that guy. Am I the only person on the face of this planet who doesn't do drugs? Danny is only 23. 5 years. That ain't bad at all. The one thing that could ruin him for me? Drugs. For the love of everything, please, please, PLEASE don't let Danny be a druggie. Weed is one thing. Anything heavier is another fucking story. I've seen too much shit happen in my life to put up with anything like that. And I would like to give Justin a big FUCK YOU for dumping Heather. You stupid son of a bitch you will never find anyone like her again in your entire life, you just lost the best thing you could EVER have. Way to go you dumb fuck. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 2nd, 2005
12:00 am	GRASSHOPPERS They should all just die. That is the ONE reason I look forward to winter. I remember, back in the day, when all grasshoppers used to do was, well hop. Just jump. But they'd mind their own business. Then a few years went by, and suddenly they start jumping and gliding through the air. OK, fine, that's kind of freaky. But NOW, it's like they've all undergone some freaky mutation, and they just straight up FLY now. Not to mention how HUGE those suckers have gotten. I don't give a shit what anyone says, those things just up and FLY now. It's like a damn bird flying at your head. And they travel in packs too. You never see just one grasshopper, no, they have gangs. And they stalk you and plan your death. I see a swarm of 10 of them and think to myself "Is this it? Is this the day they finally take me?" I swear man.....Freaky shit. Maybe I'm just bitter because I was attacked as a child and am now traumatized for life...and those things bite...either way...I can't wait until they all freeze. I'm going to another show tomorrow, and if Scott isn't at this one I fucking give up. I'm thinking of wearing this really hot skirt my mom just made me with black boots, but I don't want the guys there to think I'm a whore and then...yeah....that would just lead to stupid shit I don't want to deal with....but man, new skirt, new boots...it's so...tempting.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
12:17 am	I will never be good enough for what I want. Ever. I'm sick of this shit. Who wants to come over and get fucking crunk with me? See, this is why I don't drink. I can see myself getting addicted and fucking up my life even more than it already is. But if EVER there was a time to start drinking, it would sure as hell be right now.... Current Mood: numb (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 28th, 2005
2:27 pm	When Elka and I were in Regina on Friday, 2 guys came up to us at the Cornwall and asked us to have coffee with them. We then explained that we couldn't because we were waiting for our ride and had errands to run and that we lived out of town. Then, they came back later while we were still standing there waiting for Kathy, and asked us what we were doing later that night. So....that's 5 guys that have come up to us and wanted to hang out in the last 2 trips to Regina. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!! Now, when I DON'T want any attention because I'd rather sit and sulk over missing Scott, NOW is when guys are giving me attention. The main problem? They all think I'm 23. So, they are quite a bit older. Tyler will be 27, and the one guy just from Friday had to be AT LEAST 30. I'm 18 dude. I live in my parents' basement. I have rules to abide by. Please leave me alone. Why do I ALWAYS get the attention from the ones I don't want? HM? WHY?! Other than that....been pretty boring. Me and Elka took our moms to the Drive-In lastnight. Wedding Crashers was good, but Oh My God Monster in Law made me want to kill myself. It's like all of J Lo's other stupid retarded movies. Like every cheesy romantic comedy ever made. I left the van and went and played with this dog that was wandering outside mooching for food from everyone. Oh, and I got my ears pierced yesterday. FINALLY!! It wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. At least it was quick, so that's good. Now I want my lip pierced, my belly, more on my ears.....and a tattoo. I want either a dolphin or music notes somewhere. Perhaps my lower back, but EVERY FUCKING GIRL has one there, so I'm thinking of getting music notes behind my ear. It would hurt like a motherfucker, but not many people have them there, and it'd be easy enough to hide with my hair. One last day of summer before Eazy E goes back to school. We're rippin shit up on our skateboards tonight. Gonna try to conquer this huge ass ramp/hill like thing that is extremely fucking scary. I should really get a helmet before I try that, but I don't have $50. Ah, and the South End Winners is hiring. I got an application form and am dropping it off tomorrow. But it won't be worth the 45 minute drive to Regina with fucking gas prices right now unless they hire me full time. So we'll have to see I guess. With gas right now, I seriously think rent may be cheaper than driving in 5 or 6 times a week..... Travis from the Tiki Room has turned into another prospect. Considering Scott doesn't fucking seem to EVER work there anymore. I wonder what he does....*sigh*. I saw him once this summer. And then he was gone before that, so in the last 6 months I've seen him once. IN THE LAST HALF OF A YEAR I'VE SEEN THE MAN ONCE! My god.....that can't be possible....:( Current Mood: working Current Music: Nirvana "Lithium" (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 25th, 2005
11:26 pm	Well, today sucked. There's not much point even talking about it, because I don't think anybody cares. But I'm gonna talk about it anyways, because I don't give a shit. I haven't cried for a looooong time, but I cried today. Jason (salamanderking) is gone for BC in about 6 hours. Dude, I don't think you realize how choked I am about this. I feel like a fucking part of me is leaving. I feel like I've lost my mentor and that everything is just fucked now. I hate this place, and the only person who understood is gone. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. I don't know what to do with myself, everything is just grim right now and I feel like running into my field and screaming until I can't even breathe anymore. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, it's like I've been supressing a LOT of shit and everything for some reason wants to come out today. But nobody gets it. All I feel right now is some serious regret. And it's horrible. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: nothing. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
12:17 am	Do you believe in love Like I believe in pain? That line slays me. Elka failed her license today :( Ah well, she'll get it next time. I lost my favorite pin that my mommy bought me. It read: "FUCK you you FUCKING FUCK!" It was sooo good. Definitely my attitude and how I look at...everyone and everything as a whole. And then I went back to the store where I got it from to get another one, and they're *SURPRISE* ALL GONE. I was and still am choked. Stupid fucking restaurant. I'm never going there again. God, what are the odds that the button would get stuck on my hair when I'm trying to take my purse off, and then go flying between the bench and the wall where there's no space except at the top but you can't reach down and it's attached to the wall at the bottom....that's just my life story. Stupid shit like that. However, I went into a new store in the Northgate today, and the guy that was working was adorable and kept talking to me and was all sweet and offered to play any DVD I wanted if I wanted to check out any of the videos. It was pretty cool. I've been getting a lot of attention lately, and it's fucking weird. I can't help but think "K, what do you want?" I'm so used to people just using me.....man that's pathetic..... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
12:25 am	Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. SHUT UP J.D. WITH YOUR STUPID ADVICE!! My mom found a grasshopper in our sink yesterday morning. I had a panic attack. Elka's mom went to eat her fries from Burger King today, and crunched into a big black cricket. And then later spit out a leg. I'm never eating fast food EVER again. And I fucking hate bugs and wish that they would all die. And I wish it would fucking stop raining. Elka goes for her license tomorrow. I think I'm more nervous than she is. I'm starving, but am afraid to eat. Every time I think about that cricket story I gag.... (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
12:17 pm	Well, lastnight proved to be quite interesting. I went to a type of show I have never been to before, and I fucking loved it. And I met 4 really nice guys, who I know have to have a connection with Scott. So.....hopefully all goes well. They were Ryan, Tyler, Aaron, and the guy putting on the show Danny. I think Tyler really wanted me and Elka though, but he's 26. Well, it's not even so much the age, just he's not my type. Though I'd hang out with him again as a friend because he was really cool. We made fun of girls and how bitchy city girls are. They thought we were the most down to earth, beautiful, nicest girls they had ever met. Which I'm sure is a pile of BS, but I could see how "hot" girls wouldn't give the degenerates of society a chance. Then we went outside and he was smoking, and he's like "You don't smoke?" and I'm like "Nope, I barely drink either". And then he's like "Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or anything?" And I said "Fuck no, never have, never will." Then he's like "Can I marry you? BOTH of you?". So. I got proposed to lastnight haha. They told us to go to some party and that we could stay the night so we wouldn't have to drive back to Milestone, but I explained about Kierra's party and how we had to get back to it since she leaves for university in Victoria in a week. It was nice though, I guess maybe I'm not so fucking morbid after all. And he told me drive home safe and be really careful because there's asshole drivers out there. In ALL the time that I've been going to the Exchange, all those fucking metal shows every week, NOBODY, none of my "friends", and not even my own brother, have cared enough about me to say "Drive home safe Sarah." I was like shit, somebody actually cares. And if things never happen or something with Scott, Danny is my next man. Sweet mother what an adorable man. 24. Me and my god damn old men haha. When he was on stage he was thanking his parents for everything and I was just like fuck could you get any cuter? Just SHUT UP BEFORE I FALL FOR ANOTHER MAN I CAN NEVER HAVE!! Kierra's party was pretty lame, but I guess we didn't get there until like 2. We were trying to play metal and everyone got pissed off and said to turn the satanic shit off. Well, then, I just got offended because I was like You fuckin think Nightwish and Slipknot is satanic? I'll fucking show you satanic. So I went out to my car and got my Darkthrone "Under a Funeral Moon" album. I played it for about 15 seconds before I pretty much got attacked and had to get the cd out of there before they tried to break it. Fuckin assholes. PAUL BRANDT IS COOL WHOOOOOO. The people here have serious problems. I got Tyler's email and he told me we'd keep in touch, but I feel really bad because I'm not interested in him in any way other than friendship. But he could be a very good in with Scott for me and Dillon for Elka. But then I'd feel like we're using him. And I know he doesn't want to just be friends I don't think, unless he was like REALLY drunk and that's just how he is. I dunno, I guess I'll try to just go with the flow for once.... (18 Comments |Comment on this)